The reality of 2010 is that there are very few families today that are not blended. You look around you and you really can't assume who is who. At one time you would look around while eating out with your family and were able to tell if someone was related because everyone "looked" alike.
I grew up in a blended family only not one that you could easily tell. I am one of three children who also happen to be the only one with dark features. My two brothers have light hair and light eyes. When people would first meet me they would tell my parents "she looks just like her Dad" and my parents would both say "Yes, she does" with a chuckle. That is because I do look like my biological Father but folks were referring to my Step Dad.
I never really liked to refer to him as my Step Dad or Step Father. Steps are something you walk on and because of the love I have for him I never liked to refer to him as such. When I was growing up I asked if I could call him Dad and he stated we have our Father and his place should not be taken. As we grew older any time someone asked we would refer to him as our Dad and our biological Father stayed as our Father.
Growing up is hard enough. Growing up in a blended family can be even harder. For example; as a parent you have left one relationship and now are entering another. You have met this person and have fallen in love with him/her. Do you think that because you have fallen in love with this other person that your children will automatically fall in love with them? Not really... that comes with time.
I see so many blended families that fail only because time is not taken to really get to know one another. The same time you take to get to know your partner, should also be taken to get to know the children involved. That is only one aspect of a blended family. You also have "the other party".
The other party~
This relationship ended for a reason. Relationships sometimes end in good terms and others in bad terms. The bottom line is, there are children involved and it is no longer about you but about them. The children need to be heard about how they are affected by the separation. Sometimes (depending on the age) the children may not speak about their feelings but will act them out. They do not want to hurt your feelings and so they will sometimes keep their feelings to themselves. It is YOUR DUTY to remember their feelings first, above yours.
As the adult you should always remember your issues with your significant other are not to be shared with the children. Sometimes the mistake is made to inform the children on what Daddy did or Mommy did to brake up our family. Ladies and Gentlemen, please, please, please, refrain from doing this. The children need to be reminded of how much love you both have for them and reassured this love will not change because things have changed between you two.
As parents we mold our children to the adults they will become. One of the many things we teach our children is how to handle difficult situations. We want them to handle them in a mature and responsible manner. Right? Yes, we do. This is why adult matters should not be discussed with or in front of children.
Some people will say: Well they need to know the truth!~ This will come in time. When they are adults and mature enough to understand why things happened they way they did. When we have our children we are not given a book that says these are the 123's of how to raise your child. We all make mistakes and as we make them, hopefully we are learning from them. Learn to keep your mouth shut about your personal feelings when it comes to expressing them to your children about their Mother/Father.
Times have changed but the rules haven't. An oldie but goodie: Kids will not do as you say do, they will do as you do. Don't be blinded by the fact that you think they don't know what you are doing. They know!
Also, when you bring a new person into their home this transition is not to be taken lightly. If you don't pay attention they will resent you later.
Mothers: If you don't want your daughter to give herself to the first Tom that tells her she's pretty, make sure you don't give yourself to the first Tom that tells you all of the things your ex didn't tell you. Remember the game doesn't change, only the players do. They can smell a vulnerable woman miles away, don't be that one. Before you start something new, make sure you that you are brand new and all the old is out of your system.
Teach your boys to be men by teaching them how to cook, clean and take care of themselves so they don't have to depend on any woman to do it for them.
Fathers: If you don't want your daughter to be treated like the lady of the night, make sure you treat your lady friends with respect at all times. Your daughters will chose that man that is just like you! Be the best man you can be to your lady and your daughter will expect the same of her man to be.
Teach your boys to be men by teaching them to respect a woman always. Regardless of the magnitude of the argument a man is never to call a woman out of her name or put their hands on.
If you are that individual coming into the home, respect them and their space until you are invited into their space. If you truly love that person, you will take the time necessary to make this a well blended family.
Clearly there are many more things to discuss on this topic. Tell me your thoughts and we can help each other with the many obstacles that come into this. It is not easy to do but with communication, love and understanding, it can be done.
I'm here for you, talk to me!
XO, B
